The Last Word

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internet:

I thank you for your concern over my status as a U.S. citizen. I DO dream of a better tomorrow. Thanks for asking. And your offer for a quick, cheap green card warmed my heart. However, I was born in New Jersey. Although the high hair and acid-washed jeans of my youth do seem foreign to me now, I am pretty sure the Garden State is still considered part of the Union.

We gave you people The Boss. Don’t be stingy with the citizenship.

It was also kind of you to approve my mortgage at what I do agree is a rock-bottom low rate, despite the fact that I never actually submitted an application and am not looking for a house. How nice that in your busy world of high finance, you have no need for such trivialities.

Chadwick, Patti, Nathaniel – I am sure your watches are, indeed, quite indistinguishable from Rolexes. Alas, I do not wear a watch. It is not necessary to check in with me every hour on this issue. My stance will not change. The arrival of your messages do actually help me keep better track of time passing, though.

Kind of ironic, huh?

Larry, Jennifer, Susan and Joe, I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but I am a law-abiding driver. That speeding ticket was more than four years ago. I’ve paid my dues (and the ticket). I’ve done my time for the crime. My Metro, Bulldog, and I stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk, school buses disengorging children and, yes, now that you’ve mentioned it, red lights, too.

I am a wee bit curious about how your photoblocker spray works, however. Does it make the whole car invisible, much like Wonder Woman’s invisible jet? Would I become invisible, too, or would it just look as though I was floating along above the road? Is it safe to use on other items, such as, say, the extra pounds on my hips?

Do tell me more.

But if it is anything like that bald-headed man spray, don’t waste my time. Those people are just kidding themselves.

My dear Dr. Clement Okon, I am so sorry of the tragedy that has befallen your country. I am sad to say I do not know more about the politics of Nigeria, and normally I would be glad to help you and your colleagues. Unfortunately, my bank account is tied up at the moment thanks to a mortgage loan I didn’t apply for and my growing interest in fake Rolexes and photoblocker spray (see above). But if it would help you gain access to your deceased prime minister’s fortune, I do know where you can get a cheap, fast green card.

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