Last Word: Firepower to the people

Now that spring is really here, my severe case of barbecue envy has returned once again. Freud would look at me a skewer. I mean askew.

This condition, also know by its Latin name, WeberGrillis Maximus, is easy to diagnose. It typically afflicts middle-age males like me.

In the past year, I have abandoned my carefree condo existence in favor of inconvenient, high-maintenance, single-family home ownership. Taking possession of my half-acre of suburban heaven entitles me to find the biggest, most obnoxious honking stainless steel outdoor propane gas grill I can. Otherwise, I could easily become afflicted with the dreaded barbecue envy.

Have you recently shopped for an outdoor grilling ensemble? Does anyone even make a gas grill that’s smaller than a Chevy Suburban? Some of these behemoths of the backyard can cook up 45 burgers at a time! What fun is that? The joy of outdoor grilling is cooking six burgers at a time, swatting black flies with one hand and swilling a lukewarm Corona with the other.

For those who haven’t looked at grills lately, you might be surprised at how these supercharged super-cookers come equipped. I found one model the kicks out 82,500 BTUs an hour. That’s enough juice to heat all of Portsmouth for three days. Who needs that much cooking power if all the kids want is a couple of hot dogs?

I imagine you’d like to know more about this amazing top-end grill. Your Solaire 56 Inch InfraVection Gas Grill boasts a 1,027-square-inch grilling surface with rear infrared rotisserie burner and many other toys that grill kings would kill for. Now how much would you pay? How’s $13,000 sound? Oh! I forgot. The one I saw on comes with a quality vinyl cover to protect your pricey tribute to testosterone.

Vinyl? Wait just a minute, Hoss! For 13-large, I’d at least expect a custom cover made of Kevlar, in case a drive-by shooting occurs. After all, who’s going to feed the neighborhood if my Solaire 56 goes down?

If a five-figure backyard kitchen isn’t in your budget this week, there are many other overly ostentatious grills to feed your barbecue envy. One model I looked at in the $500 range seemed to contain everything I needed. Then I checked out the front control panel. This baby contained a nine-step grill lighting instruction. Had our Cro-Magnon ancestors taken nine steps to light the nightly dinner fire, we’d still be crawling on all fours somewhere near the Tigris River.

Another model I checked out featured a “Crossover ignition system.” Houston, we have a problem. Now I need to be a rocket scientist to put dinner on the table. Further instructions read, “If ignition doesn’t occur within 5 seconds, wait 5 seconds.” For $500, not only should ignition occur EVERY time, it should occur whenever I even think about a juicy porterhouse steak.

Anyone got two sticks and a rock? So easy, even a caveman can do it.

You can hear Mike Morin weekdays from 5 to 10 a.m. on “New Hampshire in the Morning” on 95.7 WZID-FM. Contact him at